i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
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