I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
