once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Success! We fucked roommates!
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
