i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
