You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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