just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
