I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
