Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
