Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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