If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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