And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
