she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
