Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
