apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
