Will you blow on my dice?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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