The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Randomize
