Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
