I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
