sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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