He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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