I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
honey bunches of taint.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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