My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
