Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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