I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
