She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
10 Things Your Gyno Wants You To Stop Doing To Your Vagina
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
For Some Reason, Boys Are Singing The ‘Halo’ Theme Song In School Bathrooms
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.