i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
