please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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