Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
