Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
