I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
there is another microwave in the elevator.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
