a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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