i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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