she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
