I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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