dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
