i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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