You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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