The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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