Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
