Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
