STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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