....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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