people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
