we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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