First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I am one with the molecules
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