I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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