For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
