I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Too much gin, very little bucket
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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