Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
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From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
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Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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