WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
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Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
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He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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