do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Randomize
