he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
