Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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