You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
