Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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