I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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