So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
