i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
